When the Helper Seems to Know Best: New Mothers Finding Their Place
How I support new mothers at Therabridge who feel unsure of their place when a helper is part of the family.
In Singapore, many families welcome a domestic helper into their home, especially when a baby arrives. For many parents this support is precious. Helpers are caregivers who often become an important part of the family, and many bring years of experience and great love for the children they look after. And yet, I meet many new mothers who carry a quiet fear they find hard to say out loud.
A fear many new mothers keep to themselves
Some of the thoughts I hear most often are:
"What if my baby feels closer to her than to me?"
"She knows what to do, and I feel clumsy and slow."
"I feel like a visitor in my own home."
"I should be grateful, so why do I feel jealous and guilty at the same time?"
If you recognise yourself here, please know that these feelings are common and very human. They do not make you a bad mother, and they do not mean anyone is doing something wrong.
Why this happens
The weeks and months after birth are a time of huge change. Your body is recovering, you are sleeping little, and your identity is shifting. Many expat mothers are also far from their own mothers, sisters and friends, the people who traditionally teach and reassure a new mum. When someone in the house already knows the routines, it is easy to step back and start doubting yourself, even when that person is only trying to help.
Seeing the helper with respect
When I work with mothers, I always invite them to see the helper as a caregiver of the family, not a rival. Many helpers are mothers themselves, living far from their own children so they can support them. Her role is to support you and your family, not to replace you. Your baby can love more than one caring adult, and having a warm, safe caregiver around is good for children. At the same time, you are the mother, and you deserve to feel confident in that role.
Finding your place again
Choose the moments you want to keep: bath time, bedtime, the first feed of the morning. Small rituals build a strong bond.
Talk with your partner first: share how you feel, so you are not carrying this alone and can agree on roles together.
Communicate clearly and kindly: a helper cannot read your mind. Clear, respectful guidance helps her too.
Give yourself time to learn: confidence comes from practice, not from getting it right the first time.
Notice your inner critic: speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend who just had a baby.
If the sadness, anxiety or sense of not coping stays with you for more than a couple of weeks, please speak to your doctor as well. Postnatal mood changes are common and treatable, and asking for help is a sign of strength.
How I can help
In my sessions, I offer new mothers a safe and non-judgemental space to talk about these feelings, rebuild confidence, and find a balance at home that works for the whole family, including the helper. I also work with couples who want to adjust together to life with a baby. I offer sessions in English, Spanish and Portuguese.
If you are a new mum feeling lost in your own home, I warmly invite you to get in touch. Your place with your baby is yours, and together we can help you feel it again.
Sources and further reading
The ideas in this article are informed by my clinical experience and by research such as:
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